January 2012


A Monthly Advice Column

This month: guest columnist Beth Littleford

Dear Sedaratives,
How much artificial sweetener does it take to cause cancer? Do we have a number? If we could quantify it, then we could all use it up to the just-before-cancer limit.
    Cameren Cousins
    Boston, Mass.

Dear Cameren,

This is a perfect question for me, because I ingest between six and ten packets of Sweet’n Low a day, and have been wondering of late if I’m cozying up to my “just-before-cancer limit.I’ve had a lot of headaches recently and have asked around about the possibility of my having saccharine-induced brain cancer. Unfortunately, that’s not something they can test your blood for.

Annoyingly healthy people keep suggesting stevia or agave, which is like your mother insisting you go to prom with your perfectly nice AP chem lab partner instead of that greasy college guy you’re dating who smokes two packs a day and picks up other girls when he’s drunk and wouldn’t go to prom with you anyway.

Wait, what was the question?

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Beth Littleford was one of the original correspondents for The Daily Show. As an actress, she usually plays either uptight and bitchy (Crazy, Stupid, Love; Desperate Housewives) or a nymphomaniac (The Hard Times of RJ Berger, Spin City). Occasionally, she’s bitchy and sexually aggressive, like in CSI: Miami or the upcoming indie Music High.

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