October 2011


A Monthly Advice Column

This month: guest columnist Sarah Thyre

Dear Sedaratives,
I’ve heard that women always look at a guy’s shoes first. Is that true? And if it is, what kind of shoes do chicks prefer?
    Allen Whiting
    Louisville, Ky.

Dear Allen,
Actually, chicks look at a man’s earlobes first, to see how big they already are, and mentally calculate how much larger they will get with age. Have you ever looked at an old man’s earlobes? You’d be hard-pressed to find a more horrifying presage of your own imminent decline and death. Chicks don’t like to be reminded of such things. Chicks’re funny like that. Remember: you can’t spell
chick without ick.

Back to your big, doughy earlobes. On first dates, tape them up a bit. Then, as your chick falls more deeply in love with you, gradually let them down. Funnily enough, this is what chicks do with the hems of their skirts to catch a man. They start off in miniskirts and by the time you’re walking down the aisle—bang—floor-length gown. Chicks are wily like that.

Oh, Allen. I feel like I know you. Did we date? Don’t worry, I’m sure the tape method will work with your lumpy, gigantic, pulsating earlobes.

P.S. Chicks love shoes that look like baked potatoes, or any other carb.

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

To read the full piece, please visit our store to purchase a copy of the magazine.

Sarah Thyre is the author of Dark at the Roots and an actress best known for her work on Strangers with Candy. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two kids and often talks into a microphone for a living.

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