A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Maria Bamford

Dear Sedaratives,

My little sister is engaged to a total slimeball. I haven’t told her how I feel, because she already thinks I want to sleep with him (long story). How can I sabotage their relationship without making my sister hate me forever?

Reluctant Bridesmaid
Glendale, Calif.

Dear RB in GC,

Slimeballs are a great addition to any family! Does he work long hours, carefully weighing out precise one-ounce packets of crank? Does he wait outside bars in his Mercedes SUV with a baseball bat for his family’s collection agency? Whatever his characteristics, he’s clearly fun. Enjoy! He’s bringing a long-overdue, dramatic, triangular element to you and your sister’s boring, resentful back-and-forth. Who cares whom she “loves”? You do. Awesome. Go for it. Fight, manipulate, flirt with him and your sister! Let me know what happens!



Dear Sedaratives,

I know that your age is just a number, but recently I feel like I’m becoming old. Not for the obvious reasons—going to sleep before 9 p.m., enjoying brunch specials, hating modern music—but because I’m pretty sure I’m shrinking. I saw it happen to my grandparents and parents, and now it’s happening to me. Is there any way to reverse this process, or should I just check myself into a retirement community?

Jack P.
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Jack,

Get a wheelchair, a baked-potato-size dog, some sweatpants combos, and start really living! Gone are the isolation and self-consciousness of the middle ages. Fart, tell intimate stories to strangers, fly a Confederate flag on one side of your walker and a gay-pride balloon on the other. Let go the constraints of youth. Embrace weakness, confusion, and simple woodworking projects. Our deepest fear is often our greatest wish. I congratulate you on your upcoming retirement.


We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Maria Bamford stars in her own web sitcom on and in Comedy Central’s “The Comedians of Comedy Tour.” Her other appearances include Late Night with Conan O’Brien, the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Comedy Central Presents… Maria Bamford.

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