A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Paul F. Tompkins

Dear Sedaratives,

When there’s food in my office, I’ll eat it all, regardless of how many cashews I ate on the way to work. How do I stop myself from compulsively overeating?

Doug Prentiss
Santa Fe, N. Mex.

Dear Doug,

Wait, wait, wait. How much food is in this office? How much could there be? Do you people work more than eight hours? Do you work on an oil rig? You’re very mysterious about the food and how it gets into the office. Are you eating your coworkers’ stuff? Not cool. Confess that you’ve been eating their Lean Pockets and the overeating will stop when they knock your teeth out. Do you work alone and suddenly food is justthere? Perhaps you are a sleepy cobbler and the industrious elves, in addition to doing your job, are leaving behind deli trays and pudding packs. I don’t know the situation. If you won’t be straight with me, the best I can do is advise you to give up on that cashew-as-appetite-suppressant plan. I think those nuts are just whetting your appetite for all the food that is contained in a building.



Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve been infected with poison oak or ivy. Research and doctors have told me that there is no cure and I will suffer from constant itching, oozing, and blisters for the next two to three weeks. I don’t believe the doctors. I think they are hiding something just so those of us who are highly allergic to this evil plant can suffer. Do you know of home remedy that will make the pain go away?

Austin, Tex.

Dear Jennifer,

I fear for your safety now that you have revealed this conspiracy. Poison oak is the least of your problems. You’d better get out of the country and I mean now.Also, I’m mocking you. Stop being ridiculous! That’s what the doctor cabal picked as the official affliction they’re gonna fold their arms over and do nothing about? Do you know how many kinds of insane cancers there are out there that they’ve probably just given up on? Come on. Tough it out. Watch where you’re walking next time. Also, “Do you know of home remedy”? Did you think talking like a villager in an old Wolfman movie would make me cough up some secret gypsy cure?


We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Paul F. Tompkins has been performing stand-up comedy for what feels like forever. You can see him on television via Best Week Ever and Countdown w/ Keith Olbermann. Mr. Tompkins was born in the 1900s.

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