by Milana Vuković Runjić


The new Croatian issue of Cosmopolitan says that, given the option, 74 percent of all Croats would choose world peace over a larger penis. That right there struck me as the biggest insight into our men: they lie. And living in the country of lying men is like living in that Greek proverb about the Cretans, which says that all Cretans lie. I can’t really imagine a Croatian guy standing naked in front of the mirror and wishing for world peace. To be honest, I can’t imagine a man, anywhere or at any time, wishing for world peace as he is getting undressed. Anyway, would our history have been so filled with heroes if men thought of world peace? The same applies to the sense of humor, which our men, according to research, find the most appealing quality in a woman. Blatant lie, just like the one about world peace. I know what I’m talking about. I have a sense of humor. And there was many a situation in which humor didn’t help one bit but when height and longer legs would have made a world of difference. I think Croats care the most about the female bottom, closely followed by breasts, legs, especially ankles, waist, neck, head, color of hair, the depth of voice, style of clothing, and only then what the woman has to say, and her sense of humor. Looks are the law; everything else is a lie. A funny woman with a flat bottom has absolutely no chance here; in that respect we are similar to the Brazilians. Or take a particularly bright woman who has a mere hint of a mustache above her upper lip. A Croatian man would think: Shave it off, then we can talk about your PhDs.

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Milana Vuković Runjić writes a sex column for the Croatian newsweekly Globus. This month’s column, like last month’s, was written specifically for the Believer.

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