A Monthly Advice Column

This month: guest columnist Anthony Jeselnik

Dear Sedaratives,
I recently lost 115 pounds. Where is my Subway endorsement? All I got is rid of my type II diabetes. So what? Can you help me exploit my health?
    Gina Boccadora
    Bonnano, N.J.

Dear Gina,
I don’t know where your Subway endorsement is. I called the corporate offices, and they’d never even heard of you. I even told them about your funny “type II diabetes” joke, but the guy on the phone actually suffers from type II diabetes, so he got mad and put me on with his supervisor, or “supervisor artist,” as they like to be called. I once again explained your situation, and he didn’t even believe that you lost 115 pounds. And now neither do I. He was very convincing.


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Anthony Jeselnik was most recently a writer and performer on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. His debut album, Shakespeare, was released on Comedy Central Records last fall.

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