July/August 2010


A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Laraine Newman

Dear Sedaratives,

Sometimes I find myself ever so slightly turned on by the juniper tree in my backyard. I am worried about how this might develop. What can you suggest to nip this in the bud (no pun intended)?

Lucille Klasko
Lansing, Mich.

Dear Lucille,

You’re wise to be circumspect when it comes to a juniper. They’re notorious players. My friend Andrea was involved with a redwood (for obvious reasons) that was the strong and silent type. Reliable. Unfortunately for Andrea, reliable meant boring. The redwood was sharing a space with a juniper, and she couldn’t take her eyes off of it. The juniper knew exactly what it was doing, and before long Andrea found herself seduced and abandoned. But not before the juniper had really messed with her head. Andrea had always been sensitive about her weight, and once the juniper had her where it wanted her, Andrea told me how it dropped subtle hints about how fetching the willow sapling next door was. I mean, who can compete with that, right? What a dick.

I have boundless admiration for you. It’s hard enough to resist the attraction. But to seek to arrest it when you’ve already felt stirrings “down there” is a monumental act of will. The proximity of your juniper makes it especially challenging. Honestly, Lucille, it’s an inside job. Just know that you’re playing with fire… fire.… hmmmm.


We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Laraine Newman is a writer/performer and a founding member of the Groundlings Theatre Company. She’s an original cast member of Saturday Night Live. Her film, television, animation, and writing credits can be found on her website, larainenewman.com. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband of twenty-one years and their two teenage daughters.

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