NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2009

Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Elizabeth Beckwith

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m a world-class thumb wrestler. I win every time. My boyfriend gets so frustrated when he loses against me that he slinks around with his head hung the whole day. Do I throw a fight to make him feel better?

Barb O’Conner
San Antonio, Tex.

Dear Barb:

Sorry Barb, I am calling bullshit on your self-proclaimed “world-class” thumb-wrestler status. Anyone who knows anything about professional thumb wrestling knows that there is only one person who has ever held that title, and his name was not Barb O’Conner. Does the name Hal “Hitch Hiker” Hudson mean anything to you? Or am I mistaken and you invented the Flying Metacarpal Crusher? I resent that you assumed I was such a novice to the world of thumb wrestling that I would fall for your ruse. I grew up in Las Vegas, Barb. There wasn’t an International Thumb Wrestling Federation tournament that I did not attend as a child. My bedroom walls were covered in photos of such luminaries as Robby “Knuckles” Jackson, Tiffany “Toe Thumbs” Taylor, and Sylvia “Three Joints” Cortez. You insult my intelligence, Barb. Oh, and FYI, “throwing a fight” would keep you out of the Thumb Wrestling Hall of Fame, but I assume you know that since you are a “world-class” thumb wrestler and all. The audacity!

Elizabeth

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Comedian Elizabeth Beckwith’s first book, Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation is in stores now from HarperCollins. One of seven comics featured in the TIME magazine article, “Funny: The Next Generation,” Elizabeth has been seen on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Late Late Show.

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