A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Anne Beatts

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m getting married in a few months, and apparently I’m supposed to register for things. Any suggestions?

P. Kuhren
Long Beach, Calif.

Dear P.:

Since it’s impossible to tell by your initial whether you are a man or a woman, I find it difficult to advise you. If, dear P., you are a man, then you can relax, because your fiancée will have this covered and you need not do anything, unless, of course, you’re a man marrying a man, in which case you need to rethink your sexual orientation pronto, because a genuine gay man would know this stuff already. If you are a woman and were somehow absent the day they gave out the genes for choosing a china pattern, you should ask your gay friends to help.



Dear Sedaratives:

I’m uninspired, flabby, and alone. How can I jazz up my pathetic existence?

Contemplator of bloated navel
Ottumwa, Iowa

Dear Contemplator:

First, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Second, cut out all carbs. Third, get out of Ottumwa, Iowa.


We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Anne Beatts has written for theatre, film, television, radio, books, magazines, newspapers, and new media. She currently lives in Los Angeles with her seven-year-old daughter. If you want more, there’s Google.

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