Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Anne Beatts

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m getting married in a few months, and apparently I’m supposed to register for things. Any suggestions?

P. Kuhren
Long Beach, Calif.

Dear P.:

Since it’s impossible to tell by your initial whether you are a man or a woman, I find it difficult to advise you. If, dear P., you are a man, then you can relax, because your fiancée will have this covered and you need not do anything, unless, of course, you’re a man marrying a man, in which case you need to rethink your sexual orientation pronto, because a genuine gay man would know this stuff already. If you are a woman and were somehow absent the day they gave out the genes for choosing a china pattern, you should ask your gay friends to help.

Anne

*

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m uninspired, flabby, and alone. How can I jazz up my pathetic existence?

Contemplator of bloated navel
Ottumwa, Iowa

Dear Contemplator:

First, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Second, cut out all carbs. Third, get out of Ottumwa, Iowa.

Anne

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

To read the full piece, please visit our store to purchase a copy of the magazine.

Anne Beatts has written for theatre, film, television, radio, books, magazines, newspapers, and new media. She currently lives in Los Angeles with her seven-year-old daughter. If you want more, there’s Google.

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