Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Bob Odenkirk

Dear Sedaratives,

I have romantic intentions toward an incredibly hot boy who lives in my dorm, but my friends tell me not to bother, because he’s out of my league. How do they know that? Isn’t beauty subjective?

Thanks,
Pretty Confident in Her Own Attractiveness
Portland, Ore.

Dear PCIHOA,

Your acronym-name is worthless. Do better on that next time. I’m very tired. Got the kids off to school this morning, forgot to put water, vegetable, or sandwich in son’s lunch bag, just filled it with napkins. Have you seen Larry King lately? He’s thinner, bonier, and hotter than ever. What’s with the Olympic torch? It’s silly. The Olympics are silly. Clowns, too. Have you ever eaten pie? Do. You’ll thank me. Does that answer your question? No? I say ask the guy out. Beauty is subjective and he sounds like a great guy to me, the kind who might enjoy a pinch-faced, watery-eyed, drooling boob such as yourself. Hope that helps.

Best,
Bob

*

Dear Sedaratives,

What’s the proper way to refrigerate venison? I’ve tried storing the carcass in my basement freezer, but it always ends up with a gamey taste. What am I doing wrong?

Too Much Deer Meat
Suttons Bay, Mich.

Dear TMDM,

Your acronym-name is slightly better. Kinda sounds like a noise Bobby McFerrin would make. What happened to Bobby McFerrin? He’s probably in Florida, huh? Guns are good in the right hands—nobody’s. What’s on Larry King’s mind these days? Anything facile and trite? When will RATT reunite? Where? I want the exact time and address because I don’t want to be within fifty miles of that ground zero. Fewer carbs, more proteins is yesterday’s news. Have you ever asked someone you don’t know how to refrigerate venison? Don’t. It’s a waste of time. As to your question: Don’t. Eat venison raw, as soon as you have it, right on the spot. To get the gamey taste out of your basement freezer, use handi-wipes and gasoline.

Cheers,
Bob

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

To read the full piece, please visit our store to purchase a copy of the magazine.

Bob Odenkirk wrote the “Sedaratives” column in this month’s Believer magazine.

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