JULY/AUGUST 2008

Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: Canadian Musician Guest Columnists

Dear Sedaratives,

Are babies worth the hassle of pregnancy?

An Unwilling Mother,
Jacksonville, Fla.

Dear Unwilling Mother,

This is an excellent question. I don’t have any children, nor am I a woman, so I went to an expert: my mother. She said, “No. The nine months of pregnancy are just the beginning. Once the baby is born, you will lose your identity. Your baby’s birth will also be your death. Not literally, of course, but the death of the vibrant, exciting woman that you’ve spent your whole life working on. You will lose contact with friends. Your writing will suffer. And the so-called ‘bliss of parenthood’ is a sham too. You’ll find yourself talking less about your beautiful new infant and more about the weight you’ve gained.”

Thanks, Mom! I love you too.

Owen Pallett, Final Fantasy
Toronto

*

Dear Sedaratives,

My little brother said we should smoke some weed together, but I don’t want him taking pictures and blackmailing me with them. Should I address this to him directly or is there a way I can get around it without bringing it up at all?

Warmly,
Dale Shipley
Naples, Fla.

Dear Dale,

It’s a trap. My older sister publicly resolved to discontinue her addiction to nicotine at midnight on January 1, 2007. She declared her abstinence from the habit and promised, in a binding agreement with a friend, to pay one thousand dollars to anyone who caught her inhaling. At 3:23 a.m. on January 1st, 2007, my sister arrived home from the bar, under the influence of alcohol, and disturbed my slumber by blasting songs from her electro-pop side project while dancing around the inflatable mattress I was sleeping on in her living room. She then proceeded to smoke her face off while mocking my good behavior. I quickly turned on my video camera and captured her in the act. I then used the incriminating tape to receive my thousand-dollar reward. I also called her “watpagin” for three months following a predictive text mishap from the same evening. Don’t ever trust a sibling not to sell you out for laughs or money.

Cheers,
Sara Quin, Tegan and Sara
Calgary

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