Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Thomas Lennon

Dear Sedaratives,

My wife asked me not to curse around our kids, but I think it’s healthy for them to become well versed in swearwords. Isn’t the freedom to call somebody a “cocksucking motherfucker” a constitutional right, even for an eight-year-old boy? Maybe what he needs isn’t less cursing, but more creative cursing?

Jim B.
Burlingame, Calif.

Dear Jim,

Your son is either going to learn about cocksucking at home or behind Arby’s. If your wife continues to violate your constitutional rights, sue her. I do, however, agree that more creative cursing could broaden the boy’s horizons. Try new curses like fuckwinch or assgratch. If the boy picks up some of these words, he could become the next Faulkner, or just some crazy-ass motherfucker sucking cock behind Arby’s.

Tom

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Dear Sedaratives,

My friend told me to skip community college because the drugs aren’t as good and therefore the education isn’t as good. Is that true? Is a university only as intellectually stimulating as its drug supply?

Eric Schmidt
Charlotte, N.C.

Dear Eric,

This is entirely true. You should seriously consider a college in Amsterdam, where the magic mushrooms can be purchased both legally and in either the dried or fresh variety. The classes will be in Dutch, but it won’t matter, because you’ll be tripping your balls off.

Tom

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Thomas Lennon has starred in Reno 911!, Viva Variety, and The State, among other TV shows and films. He also works as a screenwriter.

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