Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnists Vernon Chatman and John Lee
of TV’s Wonder Showzen

Dear Sedaratives,

Does electrolysis really work? I’m not so sure.

Angie Kritenbrink
Federal Way, Wash.

Dear Angie,

First off, what is Federal Way? That sounds like some sort of lie. There is no “way” for our federation. Like the Death Star or Rome, we are hurtling toward an abysmal destination that only the worthless history books and withered poets can encapsulate, wordwise. As for your question about electrolysis, try covering your hirsutitude with a hat, preferably worn faux-haphazardly askew, as is the style these days.

Vernon and John

*

Dear Sedaratives,

My nine-month-old pug named Fang has recently taken a liking to eating his own poop. When I get the chance to actually spend an entire day with him, I feel like he teaches me a thing or two. My question is, Should I try eating his poop?

Chris Funk
guitarist for the Decemberists

Dear Chris,

Well, yours is an arrestingly unique conundrum, Mr. Funk. And, in fact, you very well may be joking, as is your human right. But we still intend to answer this question for the benefit of those for whom the nightmare of Spastic Fecal Ingestion is very real.SFI has only recently been acknowledged by the U.S. Medicalry Institute, an organization which itself has yet to be recognized by anyone anywhere. It just so happens that our great-aunt Lillia “suffered” your plight, but she was a fighter to the last who could beat anything, and she “passed” her homeliest of home remedies on to us.Use it wisely:take a quarter pinch of raw talcum powder and hold it between your two ring toes, douse your back hair in a blend of rainwater, Cranapple cocktail and Dramamine, pop the ticks on your left arm with a wooden matchstick and as they burst, kiss a jar of our grandmarm’s famous hand-marmed marmalade between each of the crisp crackles, take a deep breath, hold it, and then immediately eat as much of the dog’s rectal output as you can stomach. You should awake the next morning to find your hair has more bounce, more luster, and more sheen than you could have possibly foreseen!

Vernon and John

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

To read the full piece, please visit our store to purchase a copy of the magazine.

John Lee and Vernon Chatman are the poets/dicks behind the television show Wonder Showzen, a comedy on MTV2 that parodies children’s TV. John and Vernon are not just funny; they’re also generous of spirit, taking the time to really enjoy life, while making their wives write their bios. The Wonder Showzen season-two DVD comes out October 17.

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