Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Jerri Blank

Dear Jerri,

I’m a shy guy who doesn’t exude confidence, and I’m always awkward when it comes to going out with a girl for the first time. What advice do you have for us ordinary dudes so that the first date leads to a potentially long-term relationship?

Bill Tooke
Rochester, N. Y.

Dear Bill,

Funnily enough, I have found myself in this exact situation many times. You see, once the old haunches started to turn slack, I wasn’t pullin’ in the same numero uno dinero on the streets I once did. It’s hard to draw interest once the cellar goes musty, so I turned my energy towards recruitment. Now, the No. 1 tool you should rely on when sucking in young meat is deception. You have to convince a saucy little meal ticket that you’re offering something she wants. After reading your pathetic letter, I see you clearly have nothing she wants. So you must fool her into believing that you do. Next, you need to seem protective. She has to know she can run to you when she feels threatened, which brings us to No. 3—you need to make her feel threatened. If you don’t, she has no reason to run to you. Almost all long-term relationships start with a little slappin’ around. I’m not saying you should break the skin, or even leave a bruise. Just give her somethin’ to think about.

Jerri

*

Dear Jerri,

I have struggled with the crack—my pet name for meth. Snort it, smoke it… mostly smoke it. I end up in bathhouses while my boyfriend sits home and worries. How do I stop? I don’t want to lose my boyfriend or my job. I don’t care about the job actually, but I do want to keep the boyfriend. Help!

Gus C.
Los Angeles

Dear Gus,

Is it breakfast time? Do you hear that sizzle? I knew I smelled bacon. Nice try, copper, but you’re one little piggie that can go wee-wee-wee all the way home. I think what we have here is called entrapment. Look it up if you don’t know what it means. I would look it up myself, but I don’t know how to read. The point is this, Gus. As far as you know or I’m willing to admit in a court of law, I don’t know anything about drugs. I certainly wouldn’t know that crack is a stupid pet name for meth. Here’s something else I don’t know: you could have picked a better pet name for meth. You could have picked crank or crystal or ice or batu or chalk, shabu, albino poo, white crunch, biznack, critty, gackle-a fackle-a, or skeech, I guess. Anyone who picks crack for meth is either stupid or a cop. So which is it, Gus?

Jerri

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

To read the full piece, please visit our store to purchase a copy of the magazine.

STAY CONNECTED
News on Facebook Photos on Instagram Stuff on Pinterest Announcements by RSS Sounds on Soundcloud Exclusives on Tumblr Updates on Twitter

Subscribe to our mailing list