Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Fred Armisen

Dear Sedaratives,

What do you think is the best way to tell my dad I’m a lesbian? I’m thinking he’s already suspicious since I’m thirty-one and haven’t yet brought a guy home.

Jennifer Alfonso
Tampa, Fla.

Dear Jennifer,

I’ll tell him. What’s his number? Let me practice what I’m going to say to him. “Hi, Mr. Alfonso? I’m Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live on NBC. ” No, no, no. “Hey! Señor Alfonso! Whatchoo’ doin’? Slap me five! ” No. “Mr. Alfonso, this is an amazing, weird planet we live on. Look at that sky. Is there a name for such a beautiful color? Let’s talk about your daughter. ” No. I’ll figure it out. But again, his number, please.

Fred

*

Dear Sedaratives,

Which is better for cannabis, the cookie or the brownie? Or are we all off track? Should we explore other options, like marmalade ortrail mix? Plus, do you have any recipes?

Jack Foster
Tampa, Fla.

Dear Jack,

Leave sweets alone. They don’t need your cannabis. Why would you want to ruin a delicious brownie? Here’s a recipe: Go out your front door. Get in your car. Drive down the street. Go to a parking lot. Get out of your car and sit on the hood. Think about your question. Think about the fact that you don’t know me well enough to ask me a question like that. It’s called manners. Have them.

Fred

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

To read the full piece, please visit our store to purchase a copy of the magazine.

Fred Armisen is a repertory cast member on Saturday Night Live. His upcoming movies include Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny and Fast Track.

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