Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Sarah Silverman

Dear Sedaratives,

I came out to my family as a gay man nearly nine years ago. While they’ve become more accepting of me, they still hold out hope that I’ll meet “the right woman.” I’ve never seen a woman naked, let alone dated one. How can I avoid the “don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it” argument and convince my family that I’m just not into girls?

Nathan Yergler
Fort Wayne, Ind.

Dear Nathan,

First of all, did they not knock homosexuality before they tried it? Exactly. They’re asking you to be open-minded so they don’t have to. You can always lie and say, “Mom, I had sex with a woman and it was awful! Vaginas are gross! I’m glad I tried it but I’m gonna stick with penis. What’s for dinner?” Another idea is to adopt a baby. Once there’s a baby in the picture, they don’t care who you’re fucking. They just want to squeeze that little tushy!

Sarah

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Dear Sedaratives,

I think saffron looks so attractive in its tiny plastic cage at the supermarket, but I really have no idea what one might do with it. Any ideas?

Sammy Chafos
New York, N.Y.

Dear Sammy,

I had some saffron rice this very morning, and it looked so yellow and so yummy, but it tasted like a doodie flower. I kept eating it because after each bite, my eyes would glance back at the plate and I’d get seduced all over again. My advice is to enjoy it in the market. Awe in its pure yellow intensity the way you may take in a painting or a gossip rag at the checkout stand. Then walk away.

Sarah

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Sarah Silverman is a comedian and actress. If you shave the hair away, she has a beautiful face.

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