SEDARATIVES

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN

by Amy Sedaris
THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: PETS

Dear Amy,

I’m thinking about getting one of those puggle puppies that are all the rage. But before I make the investment, are there any upcoming breed hybrids that might make for a trendier pet in the coming months?

John Larkin
Ann Arbor, Mich.

Dear John,

I can’t blame you. I have a neighbor who is saddled with a “schnoodle,” a combination schnauzer and poodle. Whenever I see them walk by, I can’t help but think, “You poor bastard. That is so ’90s.” You might as well be walking a pet rock or, for that matter, pushing a stroller with an adopted Chinese baby. I mean, talk about over! So here, John, are the latest hybrids you might want to consider:

  • Lhasa apsamoyed. Combining the adorable qualities of the scruffy Lhasa apso and the rugged, all-weather traits of the Samoyed.
  • Doberman Pinochet. A cross between the Doberman pinscher, a mindless killing machine, and the brutal Chilean human rights violator. Not great around children, but a big hit with the jet set.
  • Labrador Recliner. A lovable dog that tilts back into a comfy lounger.

Amy

*

Dear Amy,

Last summer, my wife and I inherited three hermit crabs from her eight-year-old nephew when he went to camp. It’s been six months and we’re still stuck crab-sitting. I’m worried that if I flush them down the toilet, they’ll morph into supersized megacrabs, crawl back through the pipes, and seek revenge. What’s the best way to “take care” of a hermit crab?

Eric J. Fetterman
New York, N.Y.

P.S. Do you have any interest in three hermit crabs? They don’t take up much space.

Dear Eric,

“Taking care” of a hermit crab is a delicate operation. Hermit crabs are an unruly sort, possessing large pinchers, and believe you me, they’re just waiting for a chance to clamp that claw into a major artery in your neck. Never turn your back on a hermit crab. Now, the first thing you have to do is coax the crab out of its shell. I suggest either using a piece of meat, or appealing to the crab’s ceaseless and fanatical lust for the opposite sex. This second option would require you to either provide a decoy or act as a decoy. Once the crab is out of its shell, pounce. Bring the wrath of God down upon the crab’s tiny and vulnerable exoskeleton in the form of a large brick. Make sure you are accurate with your first blow, because the last thing you want on your hands is an agitated hermit crab.

Amy

P.S. Thank you for your generous offer, but after spending last July at a three-day Jazz festival where I shacked up in a makeshift lean-to with a percussionist I’d just met named Zobo, I already have more crabs than I could possibly care for.

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Amy Sedaris is an acclaimed career waitress who occasionally writes and performs when her schedule permits. She lives with her rabbit, Dusty, in New York City.

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