DECEMBER 2005/JANUARY 2006

SEDARATIVES

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN

by Amy Sedaris
THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: HOLIDAYS

Dear Amy,

Why on earth do Christmas novelties keep coming out in stores earlier and earlier each year? Why is Christmas merchandise on sale before Halloween masks of ex-presidents are? Why are my younger cousins telling me what they want for Christmas in June? It’s too forced. Furthermore, it destroys the entire season of autumn, which here on the East Coast is filled with beautiful maroon, chestnut, and yellowy foliage. How does one cope with such madness?

Christopher Lippa
Brighton, Mass.

Dear Christopher,

Here’s an idea, Comrade. Move to another goddamn country. What’s the matter, capitalism not good enough for you? Well, listen up, Mr. East Coast Liberal College Boy. America has been standing up to you pinko hippie commie types since Christmas began back in the late ’40s, and we ain’t backin’ down now. So the next time you get your yarmulke in a bind after seeing Santa in his red, white, and blue suit, remember this: Those colors don’t run!

Amy

*

Dear Amy,

What the hell is Figgy Pudding?

Charles Han
San Francisco, Calif.

Dear Charles,

First of all, I don’t appreciate the salty talk. Second of all, why is someone with the surname “Han” so concerned about the traditions of Christmas? Shouldn’t you be focusing on gathering illegal fireworks for the Chinese New Year? But OK, Han, I’ll bite. Figgy Pudding is a traditional English steamed pudding. Ingredients include a cup of suet, which is raw beef or mutton fat taken from the loin region. Which just proves the old holiday adage, “If you think you can’t have a crappier meal when dining in China, try vacationing in England.”

Amy

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Amy Sedaris is an acclaimed career waitress who occasionally writes and performs when her schedule permits. She lives with her rabbit, Dusty, in New York City.

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