SEDARATIVES

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN

by Amy Sedaris
THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: PERSONAL HYGIENE

Dear Amy,

I work at a nursing home and have encountered a stinky nuisance. Is there a name for the certain substance that accumulates be-tween folds of skin, as you might find on a morbidly obese person? Is it simply called “Fold Cheese”?

Rebeka Miller
Flushing, Mich.

Dear Rebeka,

Absolutely it’s called “Fold Cheese,” and thanks for asking. The interesting thing about “Fold Cheese” is how conservative people get when serving it. Don’t be content plopping it on a cracker, or layering it on top of a burger. That barely scratches the surface. What about fondue? Remember, when harvesting “Fold Cheese,” the deeper you get, the more robust! Don’t be afraid to really get in there.

Amy

*

Dear Amy,

How should somebody go about bathing themselves? There are people on the street that smell horrible, but, you know, they must shower. Is there some special inside thing we get that they don’t?

Courtney Ivo
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Courtney,

Take a visit to your local animal shelter and pick up any random cat. Now take a deep whiff. Pretty sweet, right? It’s called a tongue bath, and it’s not just for felines anymore. In this fast-paced world, you’d be surprised by how many people are taking advantage of this superior and convenient form of bathing. But from the self-righteous tone of your letter, I can only assume that you aren’t one of them. For shame, Courtney. Why are you so afraid of your own tongue?

Amy

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Amy Sedaris is an acclaimed career waitress who occasionally writes and performs when her schedule permits. Her new movie, Strangers With Candy, will be out in theaters in October. She lives alone with her rabbit, Dusty, in New York City.

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