SEDARATIVES

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN

by Amy Sedaris
THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: CRAFTING

Dear Amy,

A knitting pattern gave me bad instructions and I don’t know what to do with my rage. Any suggestions?

Peter McGrath
Washington, D.C.

Dear Peter,

This sounds to me like Knitter’s Rage. Not to be confused with aggressive knitting. You should take this test:

  1. Do I feel I need to “get back” at other knitters for wronging me?
  2. Do I get angry with knitters who knit faster than I do?
  3. Do I find myself yelling at other knitters whether they can hear me or not?
  4. Do I cut off other knitters when driving?
  5. While knitting, do I often think, “Hey, these heavy steel needles would look great sticking out of that guy’s skull?”
If you answered yes to three out of five questions, then you probably have Knitter’s Rage. I would recommend sedating the rage with alcohol or PCP, eating a lot of junk food, and then heading over to the gun range to blow off some steam. If there isn’t a gun range in your neighborhood, try the parking lot of a Burger King or a belltower.

Amy

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Amy Sedaris is an acclaimed career waitress who occasionally writes and performs when her schedule permits. Her new movie, Strangers With Candy, will be out in theaters in October. She lives alone with her rabbit, Dusty, in New York City.

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