SEDARATIVES

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN

by Amy Sedaris

Dear Amy,

I was in Paris recently to film Canadian author Mavis Gallant. She was a super nice lady, and after the filming she gave me a book of her short stories. She also inscribed it for me. Back here at home, I have had to sell this book at my local second-hand booksellers in order to buy a pack of cigarettes. Should I buy the book back, or should I continue selling possessions to feed my nicotine habit? I am six feet tall.

Paul Kincaid Jamieson
Vancouver, British Columbia

Dear Paul,

If you had been any shorter, then yes, I would have said buy the book back. But since you’re six feet, you should be fine. By the way, I’m sending you an inscribed pack of cigarettes. Please don’t trade it for a collection of short stories.

Amy

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Dear Amy,

I’ve been single for about a year now, after a long-term relationship fizzled. All of a sudden, I’m starting to get those codependency urges again. So what’s the problem? Simple: I like my independence and the fact that I don’t have to answer to anyone. Especially since I’m a graphic-design major with absolutely no time for a boyfriend. What would you suggest I do to suppress these unwanted feelings without the use of pills or alcohol?

—Looking for an Out Without Slipping In

Dear Slippy,

What’s wrong with pills and alcohol? Are you judging me? It kills the pain. I hate it when people start spewing bullshit like, “You’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later.” Well, not really, because by the time “later” comes, my problem will be over because of the booze and pills. I’m not stupid.

Are you selling any pills?

Amy

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If you have a question for the genius-actress Amy Sedaris, send an email to [email protected] or write to Sedaratives, 826 Valencia St., San Francisco, CA, 94110.

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Amy Sedaris is an acclaimed career waitress who occasionally writes and performs when her schedule permits. Her new movie, Strangers With Candy, will be out in theaters in October. She lives alone with her rabbit, Dusty, in New York City.

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